Sunshine and Waves
After a summer of blazing sun and scorched gardens, the rains slowly begin to settle in again over the land. Stormy clouds lay heavy and threatening in the skies, making our bodies languid. These days in these early years we are laying of the foundation of these selves we want to be. The pieces fall together like Tetris: odd chunks here and there, awkward and misused and unsure before suddenly the magical connection is made and everything fits. It slowly becomes easier. Understanding is made. Relationships are difficult, and staying in them is harder still. Boundaries aren’t just set in stone: The edges are painstakingly discovered through fault and error, lost in the mist until through some painful overstep they are definitively laid. Never again, we say, only to feel the ground beneath our feet change once again as the people we are, the people we once were, and the people we said we would be slowly shifts and changes. We catch our footing. We lose it again. We make compromise, and settle back into love. For self, and lover. Mother, and child. One to the other. Always in relationship.
After the second baby I could understand the parameters of my mind, the shrouding of the mists that descended upon my consciousness. Some clarity allowed me to follow each thread until there, just there: a cold stone wall lay silent, blocking any further thought. Here is the end of the road. Here my mind meets stone, cold to the touch and unmovable, solid beneath the mists. Something must give. A retreat must be made, back to the warmth of physical touch, back to the hearth of home. Back to the familiar and the loving, back to the self. What is unnecessary is no longer accessible. Perhaps by means of survival, a new physical code: a way of remembering how to live. Within.
I alone passed through that portal, in isolation at the edge of the world, screaming into the shoulder of my lover as the drawbridge, rickety iron, metal and stone, fire and mists, flesh and bone, was opened. When I looked for god I found only silence, bathed in light. One quiet moment to rest gently, panting, until the moment is over and the time has come, the body beckons and it is time to push. Push with all your being, with a groan that emanates from your deepest soul. Twist, and fall. Hear those miraculous newborn screams replace these mothered moans; we are here, we are here, we are here. Another baby placed in my arms. Another tiny soul.
And from this point, the blockages begin to free up. Energy begins to flow anew. The body is slow, there are still shadows and echos that reverberate and confuse and hold us back, but progress is being made. There is a warm vibration within that longs to strengthen its resonance, that slowly and surely is finding ground. Compromise, and love, and humour to save the day. One step forward. No longer stepping back, find a way to hold steady. The time has come to grow, let your roots spread deeper as you find your way back home, back to yourself.
The days grow shorter and it won’t be long before we’ll depend on the flicker of fire to carry us through the night. Bare feet in the grass and the summer is passing. The shimmering glint of sunshine sparkles on the waves and the sound of summer expands longingly over the beach before, with a splash, one more dive, one more laugh, one more shake of the head as the salt splashes off your body and you emerge from the water, body cool in the heat of the day and once again, one more time, hurry up please, please, it’s time to go.